


Isolated

by AppleCiderr



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depressed Orihara Izaya, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Flashbacks, Injury Recovery, Izaya Needs a Hug, M/M, Major Character Injury, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Permanent Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Running Away, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, Wheelchairs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-01-08 03:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12245862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleCiderr/pseuds/AppleCiderr
Summary: After his final fight with Shizuo, Izaya is a broken man. He is afraid of Shizuo, he is afraid of humans, he is afraid of himself. With no other place to turn to, he does the only thing he can think to do, he leaves.





	1. Running

**Author's Note:**

> New story, that is going to be considerably sadder than a lot of my other stoires. 
> 
> At least at first. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Izaya didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

Laying in the hospital bed, with two broken arms, no use of his legs, and wounded all over. The events that led up to his hospitalization were replaying in his head, causing fear to spike through his heart. But he couldn’t stop it. Why? Why was he feeling this way? It didn’t make sense, he felt so strange, so empty, so..

 

So afraid..

 

But he had no way to act upon it. He couldn’t leave in his state, and nobody had visited him or come to check him out. Sitting up burned the knife wound in his stomach. His food had to be given to him by nurses, who treated him like he was fragile. But, as much as Izaya wanted to deny the fact, he knew the truth. He was fragile, and that was because he was only human.

 

He tried to deny it, at least at first. Izaya attempted to laugh it off, claiming that he was a god and nothing could phase him. But with the constant pain from his wounds, the lost muscle mass, and the trauma that he had gained, it was hard to deny anymore.

 

Yes, he knew it now. His fight with Shizuo taught him that much. He had come so close to death, he had been injured so bad. The gun had been right at his temple, he had been so close to death.. So close, so close.. He was so afraid, so afraid.

 

Suddenly, the heart monitor was frantically beeping in his ears, his breathing turning into violent, fearful gasps. Nurses dashed in, as his mind blanked out with terror, unsuccessfully trying to lure him from his panic attack. When it didn’t work, they eventually had to sedate him to keep him from hurting himself.

 

This, sadly, was now the norm for Izaya. At first, he tried to deny it. But after injuring one of his hands further, he woke up to face reality. He was traumatized by the fight. Even a simple thought about it sent him into a panic, closing his eyes led him to have nightmares, and even thinking about Ikebukuro brought back terrible memories. He didn’t know how he could live like this, all alone and afraid.

 

His appearance wasn’t good either. He wasn’t really fond of sharp things, so the nurses hadn’t been able to trim his hair. It was about an inch longer, but that was fine, it hid his baggy eyes. But his skinny frame and skin that seemed to grow paler by the day.

 

It was several months during his stay that his less injured arm was freed from its cast, and he was able to sit up. There was a sizeable scar on his stomach now from the knife wound that Voro- no - _ she _ gave him, and his panic attacks didn’t help the stitches stay put. 

 

After having the mobility once more, he finally was able to check his phone. He tapped around for a while, before reaching his contacts. He shifted through them, before coming across Shiki’s name. He went to press the button, but before his finger could brush the green dot, he stopped.

 

If he pressed the button, he’d fall right back into the lifestyle that got him into this situation. Izaya’s own poor judgements and his life of being practically a criminal, it’s what got him in this hospital bed, it’s what led him to being the pathetic thing he was now.

 

Izaya heard the heart monitor pick up again, his hand beginning to shake. “No.. No no..” He whispered out, tears building up in his eyes. “No more, no more..” He stuttered,”I can’t.. I CAN’T! I CAN’T!”   
  


With a panicked scream, Izaya threw the corrupt phone. It shattered on the tile floor, pieces tumbling all through the room. With it broken, Izaya’s fragile state of mind seemed to crumble as well. He didn’t want to hurt people anymore, he didn’t want to help crime anymore..

 

He didn’t want to be an informant broker anymore.

 

The thought hit him like a vending machine, but he couldn’t- he wouldn’t- deny it. That was because it was true.. He didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. He now understood, he knew what pain felt like. He was feeling emotions that he’d never felt before, sadness, pain, regret, loss, and confusion. He didn’t even know how to feel about himself.

 

His actions, all that he had done.. Izaya wanted to take them back, he regretted everything that brought him to this point.

 

Those thoughts continued to surface up, and Izaya felt his eyes burning with the foreign feeling of tears. His free hand went to his face, shaking as he rubbed his eyes. All the emotions and feelings he had been hiding behind a cracking dam finally broke free. Loud, panicked sobs escaped him, as he released his anguish completely.

 

His mask had broken, Izaya couldn’t hide the depression that swaddled him, nor the panic and trauma that seemed to be a part of him. 

 

“It hurts..” He croaked, hunching forward as diamond tears fell on the blanket below him. “It hurts so bad.. I.. I’m so afraid.. I just.. I just want it to stop.. P-please.. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, I’m so sorry..”

 

Izaya sniffed shakily, his breath hitching. “I.. I can’t.. I can’t stay here.. I need to leave..  I can’t stay here anymore..” He finally declared, as he broke down into sobs once more.

 

For the first time since he had woken up in this damn hospital, he was finally sure of something.

 

He was leaving, and he was never coming. back.

 

After all he had caused, it was the least he could do..

 

\-- -- -- -- -- --

Two Months Later

\-- -- -- -- -- --

 

Izaya left as soon as he could. He bought the first plane ticket he could find, and flew as far away as possible from the damned city. But it seemed he could never rest..

 

Even being around people seemed to make his skin crawl, and anxiety spike through him like he’d never felt before. He was petrified, shaking the entire flight and he didn’t know how to stop it. His hands were shoved against his lap, hunched forward in the middle seat as he tried to keep himself from being touched as much as possible.

 

Even after landing in the airport, his nerves couldn’t seem to cease. People  _ stared _ .. They stared and they whispered. Their eyes seemed to gore through him, straight into his soul. They were filled with pity and morbid curiosity. Then, they would whisper..

 

“Poor guy.. He’s in a wheelchair..”

 

“Did you see his hands? They’re all mangled..”

 

“What a weak guy..”

 

“Probably can’t do anything anymore..”

 

“What a sad life to live..”

 

Izaya hated it, he hated the noises, he hated the stares. He knew he was a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. Nobody had to remind him.. He just wanted to be alone, to be unnoticed. Why couldn’t he just be left alone?! 

 

But he felt so trapped.. He didn’t know what to do next. His shaking hands went down to his wheels, pushing himself forward as fast as he could. His arms felt like they were being shot through with needles.. It hurt really badly, his eyes burned with tears, but he had to get out.. He had to get out.

 

He made it to the hotel, but everything still felt wrong. His anxiety was spiraling out of control. This place wasn’t safe.. People were still everywhere.. His room wasn’t safe, people could get in. 

 

Izaya shuddered, his hand going to his mouth as he chewed on his nails nervously. It still wasn’t far enough, he thought he would feel safer if he was away from Tokyo.. But people were still everywhere.. It just wasn’t safe..

 

The raven turned his head, staring at his laptop bag from under his bangs. Quickly, he opened up the computer. His fingers shook, he spelt several things wrong, but he didn’t care. He just needed to find somewhere..  _ Anywhere _ to go where he could feel safe.

 

No matter how long it took.

 

\-- -- -- -- -- --

One Week Later

Kyoto Prefecture Countryside

\-- -- -- -- -- --

 

Izaya stared at the land in front of him, and the traditional Japanese house that stood in the middle of it. It was his house now, he owned it. He saw it’s location and bought it without a second thought. It was in the middle of the large countryside, surrounded by rice fields which were surrounded by mountains. Neighbors were few and far between, the nearest actual town was miles away. His home was surrounded by trees, and hard to find if you didn’t know the way.

 

Here he could be alone.

 

Here, he would be safe.

 

But he wasn’t safe yet. The real estate agent was next to him, causing Izaya’s shaking to start up again. “It’s a nice house, huh?” He said in a boisterous tone.

 

Izaya nodded to himself, his hand going to his mouth, chewing on his nails. They looked over at him curiously, before saying,”You know, I know some people who can get you more furniture and anything else you might need. Would you like to tour the house before I go?”

 

Izaya’s throat felt dry, as he quickly shook his head. The agent seemed to realize the fear he was feeling, and said,”Well, I need to head back to the city. Enjoy your new house, Orihara-san!” Izaya watched him go, his shuddering beginning to cease. Then, he turned back to the large house. 

 

Considering the large home was above the ground, Izaya managed to push himself inside as clouds began to darken the sky. He looked up at them, beginning to relax for the first time in months...   
  


_ CLAP! _

 

Izaya let out a frantic cry, his body jerking in fright so badly that he fell from his wheelchair. The wheelchair rolled back, before hitting a bag on the floor, and falling backwards with a large clatter. But Izaya’s mind was already too far gone to realize what happened.

 

The loud noise, it reminded him of the gun.. The gun he was almost shot with. His hands went to his head, as his eyes and stomach wound began to burn. Frantic, terrified gasps escaped Izaya as he began to descend into total panic. The gun, the knife.. The fear, the fear, the fear..

 

The sound of raindrops on the tile roof brought Izaya back to himself. His body froze, his hands remaining threaded into his hair, as he looked over at his wheelchair. Too stressed and exhausted to try anymore, Izaya let his body go limp on the ground.

 

His eyes suddenly burned again, but this time Izaya let the tears flow. They tumbled down his cheeks, and onto the tatami mats below him. He sniffed, rolling onto his side, curling the part of his body he could still move into the best ball he could, while his limp legs remained lifeless below that, and his hands moving to his eyes as he broke out into complete sobs once more.  

 

It hurt.. Everything hurt.. Izaya wished that he could just fade away and die. But he didn’t deserve death. Monsters like him deserved to suffer, deserved to feel all the pain they had caused. But, if he had to suffer, then he could do it alone..

 

_ Being alone meant that nobody could hurt you.. _


	2. Neighbours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya has a nightmare, and meets his new neighbour

_He was trapped_

 

_Izaya’s frantic red eyes looked around him, at the completely concrete maze. He hugged his skinny arms closer, shuffling forward as his feet felt the cold floor beneath him. He was lost, completely and utterly lost. No matter what turn he took, the walls were all the same, over and over and over.._

 

_Suddenly, shadows rose up on the wall in the form of people. Izaya squeaked in terror, stumbling back as his hands went to grab his hair, eyes looking up. He saw no eyes, and yet he knew they were staring down at him. Then, they started to whisper. He understood none of their words, but he knew their voices. They were talking about him, whispering, laughing._

 

_Izaya let out a squeak, turning and running down the corners as fast as he could. To his horror, when he looked back he saw the shadowy tendrils following him. They covered the walls, floors, and ceilings. Izaya could only panic further, and take off running faster. Coming to a crossroads, he turned down the left side and skidded to a stop._

 

_There was a crowd of shadow people, their white eyes with tiny black pupils turned to stare at him with a piercing gaze. Almost instantly, they started to storm towards him as well. They were staring, watching, whispering. It was so loud-_

 

_The raven frantically took off, trying to escape. But it was too late. The shadows flew up, wrapping around his legs. Izaya crashed to the ground. The shadow on his legs suddenly tightened, and Izaya could only watch in horror as both his legs shattered like glass. A blinding pain burned through him, as he screamed in terror._

 

_The shadows drew back, and Izaya threw his hands forward. He dug into the cement, but then his arms suddenly grew cracks on them, growing limp in front of him. Izaya’s heart beat faster in terror, a horrified scream escaping again._

 

_Suddenly, all the whispers quieted. There was the sound of soft and heavy footsteps. Izaya gasped, turning his eyes up to see who was coming towards him._

 

_He saw.. He saw a gun.. and a bartender suit. That was enough to make him panic, his breath picking up as the world began to shake around him._

 

_The man in the familiar suit stood back, an evil grin on his face, while the woman pointed the gun right on his head._

 

_Oh no, oh no, no no no no!_

 

_There was no mercy, as the evil grins crawled up both their faces. The woman moved, her finger pulling the trigger and-_

 

**_“NO!!!!”_ **

 

\-- -- -- -- -- --

 

His red eyes snapped open as a horrified scream passed through his weakened lungs. Although he was awake, the horror couldn’t seem to end. His hands scratched at the floor desperately as his stomach flipped, and a loud shatter rang through the room, snapping him out of his panic, and barely managing to stop the vomit from escaping his throat.

 

Even though he had managed to stop himself from throwing up, he felt his chest seize almost completely with nausea. He coughed and wheezed, his body desperately trying to regain some lost air but his panicked body leaving him with nothing to use.

 

The raven whimpered, his whole body beginning to shake as he gave into the familiar anxiety began to flow through him. His weakened body gave out, falling onto the cold ground once more. Next to him, he saw what the noise was. Shattered pieces of the lamp, one of the very few furniture pieces that came with the house. It was completely broken.

 

A strange voice in his head laughed. _Who are you trying to fool, Izaya? That lamp is still more put together than you ever will be again._ The voice sneered. The raven just lied for several moments, his red rimmed eyes staring emptily ahead at the pieces.

 

Eventually, his breathing began to calm. So he pressed his hands against the floor once more, pushing himself up. Although he was perfectly content to just lie down and let himself die, he didn’t deserve such a peaceful death. The raven shifted away from the mess on the floor, his useless legs dragging behind him.

 

After he had gotten closer to his wheelchair, Izaya turned towards the mess once more, and physically cringed. There went his only lamp, and the mess was horrible, he had no real way to clean it. _Wow, you just destroy everything no matter where you are. Pathetic._ Those words stabbed him to the core with hot ice, but the raven forced himself to keep moving.

 

Eventually, he managed to wheel himself to the bathroom. The small, dusty room had a simple sink, bathtub, and shower. Maybe some cold water would help him wake up.

 

His pale hand turned on the cold water, wetting the towel, and wiping his face with it. He then filled with hands with water, cleaning his longer hair the best he could.

 

After patting himself down with the dry part of the towel, his red eyes locked into his image in the mirror.

 

He was so pale, almost the color of snow. The only other color was the circles around his eyes that seemed to get darker and darker during the past two weeks he spent inside the house. His cheeks were sunken, lips chewed. He was a mess.. He was disgusting..

 

 _Completely worthless, aren’t you? What good are you now?_ Izaya hugged himself, empty red eyes continuing to stare at his ugly figure, the long nails beginning to dig into the skin. _Why are you even alive? Nobody wants you to be here anymore, just go to hell where you belong._

 

The skin broke easily, but Izaya felt no pain. He continued to scratch at his arms, his breath beginning the become frantic. He could feel his heart beating in his chest. _Why won’t you just die?! You worthless piece of shit!_ The blood was sliding down.. _Just bleed out.. Let it all end, you monster.. You monster!!_

 

A large gasp escaped him, the world suddenly returning to him. Air came to him slowly, desperately attempting to regulate his breathing. His red orbs lowered to look at his arms, the pale skin now painted with red stripes. Despite the amount of blood dripping down, he felt no pain.

 

Izaya felt so numb, completely numb, and if he wasn’t numb then he was panicking. There was nothing else, and there never seemed to be. The raven just wanted it all to end, but he didn’t deserve that.

 

 _I made people suffer, this is my punishment.._ He thought, feeling sadness for the blunt truth flowing through him. _It’s the least I can do. It’s what I deserve._

 

Before more blood could drip onto the floor, a sharp knock jerked him from his reprieve. He lifted his head up, red eyes wide with fear, heart beating a mile a minute. Who was at his home? Had Shizuo found him? Was this the end?!

 

Izaya remained frozen, desperately hoping the person would go away. But after a few seconds passed, the knocking happened again. His body started shaking again, but he forced himself to push on the wheels of his chair, moving towards where he heard the noise.

 

“I’ll just tell them to go away…” He whispered to himself,”A-and then I can be alone again…”

 

He slowly rolled forward, until he could see the door which the knocking was behind. With a slow, shaking hand, he slid the door open a tiny crack, wincing at the bright light of the morning sun. When his vision adapted, he instantly looked for the source of the knocking.

 

Instead of the bringer of death he expected, he saw a small, thin looking woman with a wrinkled face, and black hair tinged with gray that was pulled back into a tight bun with a hairstick pushed in it. She was wearing a purple yukata with a lavender obi around it, and had a calm look on her face.

 

Thanks to Izaya’s shuddering, she seemed to notice the door sliding open. “Oh, you’re home?” She asked,”I was wondering if maybe I had come at a wrong time or not.”

 

Izaya’s throat seemed to completely dry out. He took a few frantic breaths, and croaked,”W-who…”

 

“I’m Ishi Ine, I live in the house with the farms nearby, so I am your neighbor” She firmly declared,”I heard that someone finally moved into this old house, and I decided to come and welcome you to the countryside.”

 

The raven felt his shaking slow a bit, finally understanding why she was there. “W-well…” He slowly tried to continue, but forcing words out was difficult. “T-thank you, b-but… I..”

 

Ine was having none of it, and quickly said,”I’ll only be a few minutes of your time, young man. I brought a gift, after all, wouldn’t want it to go to waste.”

 

Izaya felt his heart began to beat out of control, and he didn’t have the strength to deny her. He let go of the door, pushing himself back the slightest bit to let her in. Ine let out a gentle thank you, and slid the door open further. When she turned to look back at Izaya, she let out a horrified gasp.

 

“What happened to your arm?!?” She exclaimed, and Izaya jumped at the trill tone. He turned back to his pale, bloodied arms. In all honesty, he had forgotten about his arms. Ine didn’t give him a chance to reply, she placed the container she was holding down, and stomped towards the kitchen.

 

Izaya watched her go, and nervously fiddled with his hands until he returned with a wet rag. She grabbed his arm, and began gently wiping off the blood from his arms. Despite the fact she was helping him, Izaya still couldn’t stop his arms from shaking.

 

When she was finished, she huffed again. “Look how pale your skin is! You need to let some light in here!” Ine declared, her voice growing stern. “And look at how scrawny your arms are! Why aren’t you eating!?”

 

She picked up the container, dropping it in his lap. “Eat,” She ordered, before stomping over to the shoji doors and beginning to open them. The raven watched her for a moment, feeling rather stunned at the several things that seemed to occur in a blur.

 

Izaya lifted the top off the container, seeing some sweet looking mochi underneath. He picked one up, and nibbled on it slightly. Despite the growling of his stomach, he had no real appetite still.

 

Even though the clouds hid the sky, light now flowed through the whole house. Ine returned, standing in front of him with her hands on her hips. “You know, you never gave me your name, young man,” She mentioned.

 

“Oh… It’s Orihara I-Izaya…”

 

“Izaya, hm?” She repeated,”Quite a unique name. I haven’t heard that one before.”

 

The raven ducked his head, unsure of how to feel still. They stayed silent for several moments, until Izaya finally managed to work up a small amount of courage. “T-thank you… For the… T-the..” He whispered, his nerves catching up with him again as he began to scratch at his arm again.

 

Ine’s arm shot out, grabbing his wrist and stopping him. The steel had melted away, and there was obvious worry in her eyes. _No there isn’t_ The dark voice sneered. _She just wants to find an excuse to leave. Who would care about a cripple like you?_

 

Instead of snapping again, Ine let go of his skinny arm and moved behind his wheelchair. When he began to move forward, a frantic whimper escaping his mouth. But Ine kept moving forward, and pushed him onto the raised porch.

 

The raven tensed, shutting his eyes in fear, and waiting for the pain to come… But nothing happened. He slowly opened his eyes, and found himself overcome with green. There was a gentle breeze that flowed through his hair, and swayed the trees around. There was the gentle sound of birds and wind flowing through the grass. It was so much different than what he was used to.

 

In fact… It was very peaceful.

 

Izaya turned his tired eyes towards Ine, who had come to stand next to him. She had her hands against her heart, eyes closed, and just listening. She pulled in a deep breath, and exhaled, shoulders lowering.

 

“You know,” The old woman began,”I have lived out in the countryside for over thirty years, but I’ll never grow tired of its beauty.”

 

Ine didn’t look at Izaya for a response, she just continued to listen to the beauty of nature. Izaya stared at her for several seconds, before turning back to the scenery around them. There was no violence, no honking cars, the chaos of Ikebukuro was nowhere to be found.

Despite the fear still in the back of his mind, he wasn’t shaking, he wasn’t afraid. For the first time in two weeks, he felt relaxed. The raven’s tense body began to unwind, and he let his eyes close, simply enjoying what his new home had to offer.

 

_I think… That I could get used to this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this wasn't eventful, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things
> 
> Next Chapter: Ine deicides Izaya's house needs some changes

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Please read and comment, I enjoy reading what you all think :3


End file.
